Chaos is worth it for first-time mom

Here's my latest Daily Press column:

I had a brilliant idea at 3 a.m. one Monday morning.

"Every teenager should spend one night of his high school career with a teething baby," I thought as my 10-month-old son wailed, and then whimpered, himself to sleep for the fourth time that night.

For the abstinence message to really stick, they should take a midnight field trip once a year for each of the four high school years. Then, the memory of an inconsolable baby would cling to them like the powdery garbage smell of a bursting Diaper Genie.

For a follow up assignment, these pretend teenage moms could take the baby shopping. He might not cry the whole time, but forget about wearing a cutesy outfit with the new shoes they just bought. He’ll be sure to vomit all over them.

And tell them not to worry if they didn’t bring any burp cloths. Just try to mop it up with a few diapers, and smile weakly at the glaring sales associate. She should understand.

But the assignment isn’t over, yet.

Dare them to steal a moment or two with that boyfriend (Remember him?). See if they can get past "hello" before scooping the mobile monster out of the fireplace.

Throw dinner into the mix and ask them to balance a barely-walking baby who is clinging to their pants and a pan of biscuits. Advise them that one, or both, of those items will fall onto the floor.

And here’s a multiple choice question: Which of these things will keep the baby occupied during dinner? (A) A baby Bach CD, (B) An assortment of rattles, (C) A cookie (D) Three cookies, a frozen strawberry, seven rattles, a dog and a few celery sticks (if you keep dinner to a 30 minute maximum).

Extra credit?

Send them over when the baby has a fever and won’t stop vomiting his sweet potato and chicken dinner. They’ll need to stand inside of the shower so the dripping spew doesn’t ruin the carpet. There are bonus points for finding the on-call doctor’s phone number and administering the correct dosage of medicine.

It took me about 30 minutes to create this curriculum (all based on recent memory), and in my brain-addled state, I thought it was a pretty clever idea.

By then, my 10-month-old was calm and sleeping again, gaining a moment’s respite from the ravages of a sharp tooth prying its way to the surface. And in my sleepy eyes, that little ogre transformed back into my "love bug" — a nickname I’m sure he’ll despise in a few years.

Sure, spending a day with a 10-month-old would probably keep a teen girl (or boy) firmly in the abstinence camp for a few days. But, if she spent a few hours observing the mother, she’d find that against all reason and logic, that mother deeply loves her smelly rascal.

On second thought, maybe it would be easier just to show those lust-driven teens a labor and delivery home movie.